Disclaimer: The post is about sexual assault, so please do self-care before and after reading. And if you need someone to talk to please reach out to someone. Thank you!
When I first created this blog, the purpose was to create a space for my healing journey through Christ. Obviously, it did not go as planned. It’s not that I did not want to heal; it was the process of healing, which I’ve learned after more than fifteen years is I was doing it all wrong. For my healing journey to begin, I had to face my trauma. Face it head-on, without fearing for the Lord did not give us the spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7).
To truly begin my healing journey, I have to say the words I’ve been ashamed to say or known to those around me and myself. “I am a survivor of sexual assault.” It took me until December 31, 2021, to believe I am a survivor. I am a survivor. I am a survivor. I am a survivor.
I used to disliked the word survivor for years because I felt like I didn’t survivor anything. I was ashamed, voiceless, scared, and alone in a trauma no one knew to help me. But then something just clicked on December 31, 2021, during my time with God.
I’ve been stuck in denial, anger, and depression for many years. Now, I am ready to accept the trauma and separate it from my identity. I want to know WHO I AM and the purpose of my existence. The trauma occurred when I was five/six years old before my identity was formed, so, unfortunately, I don’t know who I am outside of the trauma and honestly terrified. But God reminds me that even though I do not know who I am, he knew before I was formed.
I have a sticker on my laptop, which states: “Speak the truth even if your voice shakes.” I’ve been silenced for years in shame, guilt, and fear that I’ve been terrified of speaking my truth, my experiences. Luke 8:17 states, “For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, or anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.” At times, things must come to light to begin healing and bring hope to others. I watched a podcast in 2020 on YouTube called How Married Are You? And Glen Henry said, “what happens with your pain is that it becomes someone else’s freedom.”
So, I leave you with these words, which have helped me the last couple of years.
“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart… Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows” (Jeremiah 1:5 & Luke 12:7).
PS: If you are a survivor, I want you to know that it gets better. I never thought I would be here. Everyone’s journey is different, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. If you need someone to talk to help is available at 1-800-656-4673, this is the hotline for the U.S.
Much love,
C.
Sweet Honeycomb 